January 22, 2005
A bitter, cold and aching feeling
Embraces me this winter.
The soft snow tumbling outside
Kissing the window and my eyes.
The loneliness of the season
Creeps in and paws at me,
Blankets me like the snow
Covering, burying me, cold
My heart is warmed only
By the thoughts of a summer
Spent with people at my side
And only a care to their eternity.
I can’t completely remember
What brought me from there to here:
The responsibilities of pushing ahead
A broken heart from the West
The feeling of my hopes and dreams
Racing away from me to the unreachable
Or just the cold, cold wind outside.
Frigid and unfeeling in the snow
Mind and heart deadened by the cold.
Do I really feel anything anymore?
Only a gnawing at my soul
“I am alone, so alone.”
In my thoughts, doings, body
Alone and unaware.
Fingers are freezing in the air
Biting at them, red from the chill
I beat them against my leg
Waiting for the blood to flow
Feeling nothing, I sigh
Watching my breath take form
And vanish in the steady,
Falling snow, so cold.
I inhale and feel the cold air
Pierce my chest and shiver
Longing for warmth to fill me again
To move inside me and awaken
The sleeping spirit buried within.
To the white clinging to its branches
The colors in my mind are
But a phantom of what used to be.
Exactly as I feel in the bland,
Colorless world I see before me:
No grass to run through,
Nor tree to climb,
No flowers to pick or make wishes on.
My feet trapped within these shoes
Long to be set free and breathe.
The red of a cardinal lights on a tree
Set for a moment and mocks me
Laughing at my petty thoughts
And arguments of injustice
Then flies away casually
As if to say, “It’s not my problem.”
Just a memory added to memories
Of color and conversation
Absent in this cold, cold winter.